


Finally There's Sun

by Jennifew



Series: Mending [1]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 08:22:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14052864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jennifew/pseuds/Jennifew
Summary: Jack has some concerns about things he heard at the Ferret.Post-post-ep for the Big Finish audio Broken; spoilers for that and Torchwood One: Before the Fall.





	Finally There's Sun

Ianto listened to the sounds coming from his ensuite and wondered what to do when Jack returned. Did he say something? Was "thank you" appropriate? Or would that seem too pathetic? Of course, he _felt_ pathetic; he hadn't exactly been at his best that evening. And now here he was, trying to puzzle out one-night-stand etiquette when he had no real experience to go on. It wasn't that he was opposed to casual sex in principle--he'd been the one to suggest this, after all--but he'd never quite understood how people could be comfortable shagging strangers. Sex always made him feel vulnerable, and he couldn't imagine opening himself up like that to someone whom he didn't trust, at least on some level.

And despite their history, despite his own actions not two hours earlier, Ianto felt that with Jack. After all, Jack had already seen Ianto at his worst, more than once; after having his heart practically torn from his chest and burnt to ashes in front of this man, how much more vulnerable could he possibly be? But there was no denying that overall Ianto wasn't as comfortable around Jack as he had been with the few friends he'd gone to bed with in the past. He'd been riding the high of actually _feeling_ something other than pain or fear for the first time since That Day at Canary Wharf, and decided to take a chance.

It had been worth it, he thought, but Ianto knew himself well enough to know that if Jack didn't return soon he'd work himself into a panic not over what they'd done--he definitely didn't regret that--but over what to do now. Somehow, having already agreed it wouldn't happen again didn't relieve as much of his anxiety as he'd expected.

Luckily for Ianto's sanity, the water turned off and Jack emerged, completely unashamed of his nakedness while Ianto fought not to pull the sheet further over himself. His stare was speculative, assessing, but strangely (for Jack) non-sexual.

"There's something important I need us to talk about, but I want it to be as a friend, not your boss. At first I thought the informality of the situation might help with that, but now I'm wondering if you might be more comfortable getting dressed before we talk."

"Talk about what, s--Jack?"

"Let me put it this way: you're not going to want to, but if you answer one question truthfully and completely, everything that happened at the Ferret tonight will be not just forgiven, but forgotten. Clean slate."

"Sounds serious."

"Oh, it is. It definitely is."

Ianto drew in a deep breath, debating whether he wanted to have whatever conversation Jack was planning at all. But then, he owed him, didn't he? Having rectified his mistake didn't change the fact that he'd sent Jack off into slavery on some alien planet, where he'd clearly been tortured even in the fifteen minutes or so before Ianto'd come to his senses and gone after him.

"Then, yes, clothes would be best. Also, perhaps we should move into the living room?" he added hopefully, as Jack started gathering up his clothes. "I'll just--" Ianto began, making a quick dash for the ensuite while the other man was fishing one of his socks out from where it had landed part-way under the dresser. Door safely closed behind him, he cleaned himself up, then took a moment to splash cold water on his face. What on earth was he doing? How had he ever thought he could get through this without embarrassing himself in some way? Sure, Jack had taken his relative inexperience in stride (though in fairness, if even a quarter of Jack's stories were true, there were porn stars who were less experienced than Jack), not even making a joke when Ianto had confessed to never having been with a man before, but intellectually even Ianto knew it was a bit late for modesty. Still, he had a feeling he'd need the armour clothing provided, and part of him was grateful for the offer despite the suspicion that Jack was laughing at him for needing it.

Telling himself sternly that he did _not_ need to wrap a towel around his waist for the seconds it would take to cross to the dresser and pull on some pants--especially in front of someone he'd just shagged--he took another deep breath and steeled himself before opening the door. To his great relief, the bedroom was empty; laughing quietly at himself, Ianto dressed quickly and went to join Jack in the living room.

"I hope you don't mind, but I've put the kettle on," Jack called once he'd heard the door open. "I'm not about to try and make you coffee, but I can handle a cup of tea, and thought you might need it."

"That's fine," Ianto told him, taking a seat on the sofa and trying not to picture the state of his cabinets after Jack had rummaged through them. If this conversation was to be as unpleasant as Jack had implied, even a few minutes' delay as they waited for the water to boil and the tea to steep was welcome.

All too soon, however, the tea had been prepared and doctored and Jack was regarding him somberly.

"There's no way to put this delicately that wouldn't leave you room to willfully misinterpret the question, so I'm just going to come right out and say it. I've tried to respect your boundaries and accept when you've told me that you were fine, that you were handling the events of the last few months, but several things both you and Mandy said tonight have me seriously rethinking that. I'm worried about you, Ianto, and I need you to tell me the truth: have you been thinking about killing yourself?"

"Ah." Ianto downed half his tea in one go, wishing it were something stronger.

"That's not an answer."

"No, it's not. But give me a minute?"

"Fair enough," Jack conceded.

Ianto marshalled his thoughts, hoping this would come out at least somewhat coherent.

"I told you, once, that after what happened in London all I had was the possibility of fixing Lisa. That hope, however foolish it may have been, was all that kept me going for months. So many days, I only managed to drag myself out of bed because I knew I had to go to the Hub and take care of her. And then she was gone, and it was horrible, because on top of everything else, there was the guilt. That night was a fresh new horror to add to those from One, and ultimately it was of my own making. I was left with no hope, no purpose, no friends--"

"The team--" Jack interrupted.

Ianto scoffed. "The team barely knew I existed before Lisa got out and they started hating me. And I know part of that was my fault--I hadn't wanted anyone to pay too much attention to what I was doing, and anyway, I wasn't planning to stick around once Lisa was fixed, so what was the point? So my life fell apart for the second time in six months, and yeah, I thought about it. A lot, to be honest."

"Did you ever try? Both you and Mandy mentioned something about her saving your life."

"Just once. The night we returned from the Beacons. I had a couple of drinks and there was that bottle of painkillers Owen had given me. After I took the first one I chickened out and called Mandy; I don't really remember much, but she was in the kitchen when I got up the next morning and I never did find the rest of those pills, so..."

"Oh, Ianto.... I'm so sorry."

"For what?"

"You tried to tell me. You _did_ tell me. And I thought you were just...unfulfilled at work. All those times I wanted you to tell me how you were feeling, and when you finally did I didn't even listen."

Ianto shrugged. "It's fine. As I recall, I was the one who brought up the job in the first place. And you did try to give me more to do after that."

"Yeah, and look how well that turned out."

"Not your fault, sir. Jack."

"Still...why didn't you say anything when it got that bad? I've told you you can come to me for help."

He sighed, trying to find a way to explain that might make sense. "Just because I couldn't go through with it didn't mean I wanted help, not really. And, I'm sorry, but you were pretty much the last person I would have turned to just then."

Jack winced at that, but all he said was, "Fair enough. Do you still feel that way?"

"Don't be silly. The last person I'd ask for help now is Mandy."

"Ianto...."

He sighed again and fiddled with his empty cup while he tried to decide how to continue. "You have to understand, for so long I felt pain, and rage, and occasionally fear, but everything else was just...numb. Ever since London, really. It was all right when I had Lisa to focus on, I was able to manage it, but without her.... And just as I was starting to try to move past it, there were cannibals. And now Mary. And I know she was a threat, you had to do it, just like with Lisa. I do. But you didn't have to do it in front of Tosh and you certainly didn't have to make a bloody joke about having just killed her girlfriend. It brought everything back, and yeah, I was thinking about it again."

"Did Mandy know, at least? That it was that bad again?"

"Why do you think she'd started trying to convince me to go away? I'd admitted earlier this evening that part of me hated her for stopping me back when I had a good reason for doing it."

"And now? Right this minute?"

He shook his head. "No. I'm not _well_ , by any means, and I can't say I won't start thinking about it again, but the numbness has finally faded and I've started feeling again."

Jack flashed one of his too-slick grins. "Glad I could be of service."

Ianto rolled his eyes, then fixed Jack with a withering look. "Before you go taking credit, there're two things you should know."

"And those are?"

"First, I started feeling better long before we came back here. In fact, it was shortly after the Saviour sent you through the Rift."

"Gee, thanks."

"No, I mean...," Ianto sighed; he was making a mess of this, as usual. "I left the pub, and I felt free, of Torchwood and everything. I planned to just...leave. Then my mum called, and I don't know what, or why, but while I was listening to her talk, something in me....changed. Maybe it was when she started to blame my sister for.... Because I realised that what happened to Lisa wasn't your fault at all. It was mine."

"I prefer to blame the Cybermen, myself. All you're guilty of is loving her."

"And keeping her alive for months after I should have let her go. It would have been kinder."

Jack shrugged. "Probably. And it would have avoided what happened when she got loose in the Hub. On the other hand, if you'd done that you never would have hounded me for a job and as little as you enjoy it, at this point I shudder to think what would have happened to you without even that keeping you here."

"I...hadn't thought of that. Maybe you're right. In any case, I realised I didn't really want you dead after all, and went back in."

"For which I'm grateful."

Ianto acknowledged that with a slight nod, and continued. "Then while you were waiting in the car, I called Mum back, and I was able to tell her I loved her for the first time in so long--because for once, I actually did. Or maybe I never stopped, I just wasn't able to _feel_ it. Either way, nothing to do with you."

"And the second thing?"

"Don't get me wrong, it was really good--great, even--but let's be honest: after so many months of only being touched by people who wanted to kill me, I'd probably think that with anyone. Well, except perhaps for Owen. So, again, not about you." Not entirely a lie, either.

"Oh, really?" Jack had that gleam in his eye, the one that promised all sorts of wonderfully wicked things that Ianto was beginning to suspect he might actually be capable of following through on. "Care to form a second opinion?"

He pretended to consider the offer. "Well, it's after midnight, so technically...."

"Hey, as far as I'm concerned, 'tomorrow' doesn't have to start until I leave. But it's up to you, Ianto."

"I suppose it couldn't hurt, given that I've already broken my 'no shagging the boss' rule."

Jack's eyebrows flew up. "You have a rule about that? How often has the issue come up?"

Ianto laughed. "Mostly I just needed an excuse to break up with the girl I was seeing before Lisa without getting on her bad side, once I'd realised she was perhaps a bit psychotic. She'd just ousted Yvonne, and I was Yvonne's PA at the time, so...she'd effectively made herself my boss. Perfect excuse."

"Wait, what? Someone ousted Hartman? How did I not know about this? And since when were you her PA, anyway? I thought you were a junior researcher."

"I was. Also admin, Yvonne's PA, a junior field agent, head of operations, and about half a dozen more job titles in the two years I worked at One. Lots of staff turnover meant lots of being shuffled from one position to another. Plus Rachel kept moving me into whatever job she needed someone she trusted in that day, while Yvonne was fond of me and had a thing for staff development."

"....Which explains why you seem a natural at everything I've asked of you."

"Except going in the field, yes; that particular job title lasted less than a week, before Rachel found something more pressing to assign me to. And there was absolutely no training involved; she just wanted as many field agents as possible. It was complicated. As for why you didn't know about the coup, I can only assume you were avoiding paying any attention to messages coming from London, as usual. You've no idea how many times Yvonne complained about that."

"Hmmm, probably right. I would like to hear about it sometime, if you don't mind."

"That's fine. It's kind of a long story, though."

"I'll look forward to hearing it, then. So....was that a yes, I should stay a bit longer?"

"Might as well."

"Excellent! However, before we get to the fun part, two requests."

"Okay?"

"Could you, maybe, keep an eye on Toshiko? Talk to her? It's become blindingly obvious that I'm not as good as I should be at noticing what's going on with my team, and I don't want to make _all_ the same mistakes twice."

"Of course, sir."

Jack narrowed his eyes at the address, but it _was_ a work-related request, after all. Habit.

"And second, promise you'll tell me if you start feeling like that again. I don't want to lose you, Ianto, and certainly not like that."

"I don't know if you've noticed, Jack, but I'm not exactly good at talking. Especially about myself. I appreciate the concern, but I don't think I actually could."

"How about some kind of code, then?"

"What, like a safeword?" Ianto smirked.

He was pleased to earn a laugh from Jack at that. "Exactly."

"Like what?"

"How about...'ferret'?"

"Seems fitting." Ianto considered. "I think I can manage that."

"Good. Now, enough serious talk for one night. Shall we?"

"I believe we shall."

**Author's Note:**

> There are six stories in this series; five and a half are already written. However, the second part is rather long and I'd prefer to have a beta go over it before I post. Unfortunately, I don't know anyone in this fandom and lost my general-purpose beta about 15 years ago, so I'm asking here. I'm looking for someone who can do a proper edit, since I suck at pacing and such, rather than a spelling-and-grammar beta (though pointing out any errors that slipped by me is always appreciated). Britpicking a plus. Familiarity with the Big Finish audios featuring Ianto--especially Torchwood One: Before the Fall--would be ideal.
> 
> Thanks!


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